"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
