she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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