I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This is classic penis vs brain.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's rum buckets o'clock
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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