I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
