i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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