do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
