I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
