You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
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