Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
