Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
