as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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