Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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