I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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