capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
