Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
