If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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