seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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