Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
