Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
