i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
