woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
