So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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