please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
