This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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