Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
