Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize