god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize