Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
