How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
this is an emotional support booty call
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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