I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
