I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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