Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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