at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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