I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Randomize
