Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
