the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
