mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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