At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
