listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize