Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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