If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize