My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
