I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
