I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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