If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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