Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
