Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize