When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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