I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
