its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
