My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
