This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
