I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
