my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you traded sex for a burrito?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
