I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
