I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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